Give the Gift that Keeps on Giving

With the economy maintaining its slumped position, and money being comparatively tight for most folks, I've realized there's a gift you can give that is a gift that's sure to be well suited for at least one or two people in most of our lives and costs next to nothing... in money at least.

A swift kick in the ass.

That's right, in this time of giving you have the opportunity to provide someone with one thing they probably haven't gotten before, that'll really do them more good for the long run than any electronic geegaws, ugly sweaters, stinky soaps, or inedible fruitcakes.

Think about it. Is there someone in your life, in your family or close circle of friends who somehow manages to make every gathering or event revolve around them? Chances are they don't get all the attention because they are the nicest, kindest, most generous, or even funniest person in the group. More likely they get everything to revolve around them because they are the most demanding and cause the most problems. All the really decent people end up kowtowing to them because they just want peace, a good time, the enjoyment of family and friends. The only way to do this would seem to be to try and placate the self-involved assholes of the world.

This seems to be some deadly flaw in the current state of social etiquette. The people who follow etiquette and strive towards politeness and kind behavior to others end up being walked all over by those who don't bother with consideration for others. People who don't enjoy confrontation, who aren't bitter and spiteful, or have some other mental problem end up handing all power over to those people that take without giving, that make unfair demands without any consideration of inconveniencing others. These people are gifted with some sort of complete sense of entitlement, some overwhelming need for attention, or control, or thriving off the chaos they create.

There's something wrong with them. Come on, we all know it. We may not want to look that way at our family or friends. At our parents or siblings or children or whomever, but you know it's true. No one says anything to them out of politeness, to avoid confrontation or making a stir. That would be poor etiquette. But really they're the ones who are out of line, and we've all got the opportunity to do them, and everyone who ever has to be around them a priceless favor.

So let's break the chains of a weak and restrictive etiquette. Throw it out and replace it with some good old honesty.

Make your holiday plans around what you and the people you want to spend time with want to do. Invite the difficult ones if you feel like it, but don't rearrange everything to suit their whims and needs.

Take someone aside and let them know that you love them because they are your family, but that if anyone else behaved the way they do you really wouldn't have anything to do with them. Most of these people wouldn't like anyone who acted like them either.

Tell someone you didn't get them a gift this year because they didn't deserve anything. That you've realized they've spent the entire year taking from you. Time, energy, money, being a total emotional drain. They took and gave absolutely nothing back.

Or just go for the simple and straightforward kick in the ass. I suggest catching them unawares, with the top of the foot, not the toe. Putting your boot up their ass should be reserved for other situations as it makes an entirely different point. Kick hard and swift. Not with so much force as to break the tailbone, but hard enough to leave a lasting impression. No doubt they will jump, yelp, and possibly sputter. Remember, these people are used to getting what they want, not what they need. When they undoubtedly ask you some stupid question such as, "Why'd you do that?" or "What was that for?" Just tell them, "Oh, I think you know."

A little bit of introspect goes a long way. Empathy, consideration, and self reflection are scarce commodities in this age. If you can make an impression on just one of these parasites we all know and love, then you'll have done a great humanitarian service. You'll not only have brought a little peace to your own world and those exposed to these people, but you may just shake someone awake and get them on the path to improving their own miserable little existence.

Most of these folks live in their own little self-made hells. We can all find a little pity for them this time of year. But not too much, they did it to themselves and are now bent on inflicting it upon everyone around them. But while they got into it themselves, it's a twisted cycle that most cannot break out of by themselves. Lies, Manipulation, Degredation and other varied acts of cruelty towards others lend towards more of the same to justify those that came before. It may be the nearest thing we've got to perpetual motion. If we could harness the pure energy suck of all the self-involved assholes out there we'd be set on the renewable energy thing. Not sure I'd call it green exactly...

So do your part this holiday season. Enough of this "squeaky wheel gets the grease" nonsense. Get a big ol' "Shut the Fuck Up" stick and shove it in the spokes of every squeaky wheel you see. With any luck it'll stop em dead in their tracks and make them reconsider the path they are on. If not, well hopefully they'll at least go flying over the handlebars and land on their face.